I Stay Down with My Demons

I watched the video last night. I didn't want it to be about the video because it's stupid and irrational and I absolutely hate looking and acting like an idiot. But it is about the video. I am not jealous. I am envious of her and others like her. Yes, I put emphasis on appearance more than I'm supposed to - more than I thought. And I cannot shake it off. It enrages me is an understatement.

I don't know how to talk to you about it. I don't think you would understand because of how long I've been carrying this and how deep my relationship is with it. But if you want to know what I say to myself every so often, read along. You can pretend that you are me and I will be the thoughts that goes through my mind.

"You are fucking disgusting. Why can't you be suitably fuckable like all the other girls in all those videos, pictures, magazines, films, television shows, streets, malls, books, commercials, porn, tumblr, facebook, youtube. You disgust me. You think you're pretty, you're not. You think you're smart, you're not. You think you're strong, guess what? Not even fucking close. I don't know why you still bother."

I find it difficult to look at mirrors or any reflection of myself. I find it difficult to even look at myself. I find it difficult to quiet my mind. Last night, I cried uncontrollably. I closed my eyes to sleep and I kept crying. I don't know how this sounds like to you or looks like. You might find it shallow or stupid or crazy, but it's very much real to me.