Forgiveness

Forgiveness liberates the soul. 

Nelson Mandela said that in the Invictus movie. 

I always had a trouble moving on. Trouble to get over and forgive someone. I had such a hard time forgiving Rueban. Even harder to forgive my dad. All these while, I kept dwelling in the past and feeling anger and hatred towards them. Wanting to hurt them badly. Unable to understand and realise that the only person I am hurting is myself. I realised that I have been feeding the wrong wolf. By not able to forgive, I was not allowing myself to let go of this torture. I close myself out, unable to trust. Unable to open up and allow myself to learn many beautiful characteristic traits from others.

But after so long, I understand that by forgiving, I allow myself to move on. Allow myself to let go and be completely be free of this grudge. It took me sometime to actually forgive Rueban. To understand that he was young. We were all young and we handled the situation differently. I can't blame him for everything cause no matter what, he is still living happily. He probably dont give all of this a second thought. And like what Joy and Raj and Kathir say ( not for this topic of conversation ), "What can you do?". Those four words make me understand the gravity of my actions and how I can change any given situation if I just consider "What can I do?". In this situation, there is nothing I can do for what Rueban did to me but understand that we were young and foolish and by forgiving him and letting him go, I allow myself to grow. To allow to open up and get rid of this self-torturous life.

Last night, I had a dream. Just a simple one.

Dad was re-wiring the old routers together, connecting unnecessary connections to it, making the whole internet point a mess. I got so pissed off without understanding what he was trying to do. And started having an argument. Naren and Amma heard all of this and they joined with me and fought with him. Next thing I know, this fight got bigger and I can feel the family is falling apart and I felt like pulling them back. To stop this fight from getting worse, but I couldn't. 

I woke up. Remembering the dream clearly. Realising that this is all my doing. Realising that the situation is in my hands and I can do something about it. I could choose not to argue with him, choose to not be like him and interact in a calm state of mind. Realising that by handling him like this, I am feeding the wolf that allows me to be free and happy. Realising that forgiveness liberates the soul.  I can see that he doesn't forgive and that turns him to be an angry person. Always furious and not having some peace. As these thoughts run through my mind, I replayed "Tuesdays with Morrie" scenes about his hatred towards his father and how he couldn't forgive him when he had the time. I don't need to forget, but by not forgiving him, I can't let myself go. I have to forgive him while he is still here so I can be free and be at peace. Allowing myself to grow and nurture.

So, here goes. Nana, I forgive you. I am sorry for how I treat you and I would like to try to fix this.

P.S. This post needs some working on. :)